Parents

Everyone has one parent that they feel they have the most "drama" with. The one parent you either can't ever seem to get along with, or the one you talk to the most, but fight with too. Ryan and I both have that one parent we don't think we'll ever really understand and they won't understand us. Sometimes, I think it's both my parents, but not always. Our "drama" parent is also the parent we feel is the least likely to accept and embrace me and Ryan being a couple. Be it they can't "let go", or other reasons.

For me, it's my mom and I. I used to think that the most drama was between me and my dad, but as the time is going by, I see things aren't what they seemed. My mom and I are very much alike, in almost every aspect, though I think she has a much better grip on reality than I do. Which probably came from her years of wisdom more than just a natural gift. Everyone immediately jumps to notice how alike my mom and I look, I take great pride in that, what people fail to notice though, is I'm also sick of having some of her bad qualities too.

I have my mother's temper, that's for sure! I blow up without warning sometimes, and I remember her always being the same way. My mother's eyes were like fire when she whipped around to scorn me. I feel my own eyes seem to burn every time someone does the slightest thing to make me tense. Most of the time, I am sure it wouldn't even bother anyone but me. I think I have little to no control over my bitterness, and I also know that those I love most, get the most of it. I am an angry person, I know that. I have more hate and anger inside of me over things I have yet to recover from, but the problem is, it's in there and eating away at what little heart I can feel left. I don't want to end up being like my mother when she says "I don't think I even have a heart". Though I envy the heartless, since there is nothing there to break, I know the heartless can't love either. My fear and anger towards other men has led to most of my relationships failing, and Ryan with enough emotional bruises to need a doctor. I know that, and yet I don't know how to solve the problem.

My mom is also the person I feel will never accept my relationship, nor ever approve of it. I feel she would see me as selling myself short, or perhaps settling, I don't know what she would say. Though she greeted Ryan the most human way she has ever greeted anyone I've ever brought home, I still fear the day she looks at him like a scuff on her shoe. Perhaps I'm just afraid if my mother doesn't love him, then how can I?

Ryan's dad is my mom to him. Ryan feels his dad is one of the most hateful people he knows, second being himself. Of course, that could be my perspective on the situation. Ryan's dad is a racist man, a sexist man, an angry man. Though like Ryan will defend him, "he is my dad, the only one I have left". I can understand that, there is no room to completely bash one's parent since they are a gift of God and not the permanent one. Still, since it is not my Dad I chose not to sit here and write the other negative aspects I have witnessed Ryan's father doing or saying. I chose to instead say, he is also the one we feel will never accept us. Though he is taking great strides, recently I was invited to his celebration of his 50th anniversary, a great step! I couldn't believe my ears, and I recall making a sarcastic comment about him maybe changing his mind later on. Ryan's dad just gets me mad, but I'm sure as I said above, everything does.

In closing, it is hard sometimes that we have to feel like this about our parents, but at the same time, it's normal. Our parents are no harder to deal with because we're gay, if I was a Mexican-American woman, Ryan's dad would still dislike me. At the same time, if I was with a woman vs. Ryan, I'm sure my temper would still be from my mother. We are gay, yes, but we are also human.


**Disclaimer: I do not mean to give any impression that my mother is heartless or unloving. She has sacrificed a lot for me and her family. She is a strong woman, and I think her strength is misinterpreted, even by me, as coldness. In any case, I just wanted to say, though I complain about her sometimes, I would still sell my soul for her, she is my mother.