The begining of the end?

To each there is a begining and an end. Love is no different to this rule.

Though I love and have loved Ryan very much in the time we have known each other, it has become even more apparent to me that things just cannot work. It seems we will never make it to the house in the suburbs and those kids we call our own. It simply is the begining of the end of our life together. I know that.

It could be we are on two very different levels of maturity. I am discovering myself more as an individual, trying to stand out. Ryan is still in the "high school, be like everyone else" phase. He tries all the time to be bigger, better, yet just like the rest. I was and am too overwhelmed by constantly having to compare myself to him. He wants to be bigger than me, stronger than me, and smarter than me. It began to feel like our relationship was becoming his battle ground. I will not lie, I was sick of it! I do not need to feel like I am constantly being compared with him.

Not to mention, he has yet to find the ability to change for the better. When there are things I do that I know push his "button" I simply don't do it! Yet, he has not been able to make the same decision as he has done many things in which he knows sends me over the edge. I have little to no control over my anger and he just makes that more apparent to me. The person I am with him, is not the person I want to be, therefore I knew I had to leave him and us behind.

Does that mean I'm on a desperate hunt to fill the void where Ryan was? Not really, I do want another male companion, someone to talk to and feel attraction with, though I know it will be a while before I am ready to hold my nose and take the plunge into another relationship. I need to grow, find out who I am, and love that person. Only then can someone else love me the way I deserve. Since I will know what that is by then.

Still, for now there is nothing but mutual respect between us, and had I had the option, there would be nothing at all. Still, I need someone to lean on in desperate times, and that is my bridge to another place, I might as well continue crossing it. I know that sounds like I'm using him, and maybe I am. I won't lie about it.