Things Just Keep Getting Sweeter

Could it be that two people as young as us could endure as much as we have just to be together? We couldn't part even as each other's worst enemy. Something about that just tells me there must be magic between us. As if this was supposed to happen and we're just living along someone else's plan. Soul mates? Maybe it's too early to say such things, but according to my first journal entries and notes to him as we were falling in love I was already using it. To think that at seventeen years old I thought I had met the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. My best friend at the time often heard me mention him as "the one". How could I have been so sure and yet now, too scared to admit it? I never call Ryan my boyfriend, even though in all equations he is. We are together all the time, laugh, play, kiss, and all the other things one would do with the person they are in love with. We are in love, I know that, but for some reason the commitment is what breaks my security. Once I found out why, I was ashamed.

I have spent the majority of my life being told that how one is judged by others is very important. Yes, I know that makes no sense, but until recently all I cared about was how others would think of me. Even that last sentence was barely true, I am still more concerned over my appearances than my actual health! How insane is that? This pertains to Ryan and I because I am afraid to be judged for being with him. I don't want my parents and friends to look down on me because I love someone as much as I do. I know they won't take it seriously or they will think I am allowing myself to give up my youth. Secretly I know I can be both young and in love as much as I feel I am. Still, the over-whelming need for approval leaves me technically single and Ryan learned to deal with it in order to keep me. How could I put him through that? Knowing he can't really call me his own hurts and I know that because it hurts me too.

Am I too young to feel this strongly about someone? Am I really that different from the countless friends of mine already getting married and starting their families? I answer "no" to both. Though I am young I obviously am not too young to feel something I do. As for marriage Ryan and I have already discussed it many times. We plan on it and a family as well. We imagine our entire lives and it brings us closer because we both want the same things, everything matches up in our dreams. Well, I shouldn't say everything. There will be some sacrifices, like I don't want to live in Adrian for the rest of my life and Ryan wanted to be able to travel all over the world should his career give him that chance. Though his family's home would still be the same house he grew up, he knew he would leave his spouse and kids behind sometimes. Being that I am a military child and saw my mother be strong while my dad was gone for long-periods of time, I knew I wouldn't be that strong. I could endure living here in this town, on this road, for the rest of my life, but I wouldn't do it alone. He understood and we planned it out, and fell deeper in love by realizing how alike our futures were going to be, either separate or together. Only time will tell.

Now we don't want to get married tomorrow. Nor will Ryan be proposing anytime soon. We've discussed this as well, we want to wait until after college. With all that could happen in the next four to five years, it is too high of a risk that we could end up changing our minds on everything and never being able to work out. So with college being an age of experimentation, we chose to get that out of the way before we began setting our plan on "forever" in motion. Pretty mature if you ask me. We are well aware we have a high risk of failure and neither of us is going to enter this without preparation and knowledge on the consequences!

Why do I love him though? The question has often crossed my mind. Recently I realized there were probably hundreds of reasons from his ears to his laugh. Things someone who wasn't in love with him would never notice. One reason stuck above all others, however, Ryan is my best friend. He has been for over three years now, and through the worst of times he was the person who never left. He was the person who was my everything when I felt I had nothing and when I pushed him away so many times neither of us could really say goodbye. He stood by as I told him I hated him and I withstood him hating me too. All in all, he was there when no one else was, besides my parents. He knows all my deepest darkest secrets, recently the very last one finally came out, now all cards are on the table. In return, I know all his and have stuck by him when he asked me to leave and have held his hand through whatever came our way.

Most would remember I was in love with Ryan's friend, "D" a few years back, what most of you don't know is I had an "affair" with Ryan the entire time. Yes, the truth is finally out there. I really did love "D" but could never seem to leave Ryan completely and it was Ryan I ran to when I needed help, never "D". I think with "D" it was more of a fascination/love, while with Ryan it was the best friends, "in this together" thing. I know, hard to understand, but it all makes sense to me. I once compared Ryan to a bed: safe, warm, comfort, my home; "D" was my roller coaster: fun, exciting, laughs, tension, but never felt safe. Again this makes sense to me and hopefully you, too.

Well, this was a hell of a blog!! I hope someone out there is reading these things, I do put a lot of work into them, sadly. All in all, that's how Ryan and I are doing. It's hard keeping up with us. Next time I write (real soon) I can tell you how we've been working on working together better. =)

PS: All our original notes and emails were finally found! I thought they had long since been thrown out, but it just shows you that maybe they were "lost" for a reason. Now that Ryan and I are finding each other again, they suddenly appear! A sign?